lovefull

Crappy work load. Slavedriver of a boss. What else?.. to many issues in life just pouring down on me or yet just like a splash of a pail of water right at my face.

Tired of all the things happening. Been wishing to spend all my remaining leaves in one long vacation.. hoping to be with her. But then, Both the long vacation and being with her is impossible.. uh.. wait. haven't tried to do that.. and not tried to ask her out... there still might be hope for this fool..

There's really no point of working hard enough anymore. Too much work load these days and overtime pays are not worth much. Tax eats away your hard earned additional income from overtime like cookie monster biting through his favorite box of cookies. I feel like i'm working my ass out there and it's not really worth it,. I know, because i lost the sole reason why i'm working hard to earn that dough. Ironic isn't it. Here you are working trying to save up for something yet my work "could" have been the reason why you lost that something special. Oh. I put " on could because i wasn't sure about that. Was it my work? Or it was me all along.. thinking if it's  my poor planning and scheduling ability plus the stubborness due to restlessness and stress (no point to justify / reason out)..

Just remembered something.. I'm not that much of a fan regarding tagalog movies.. especially romance and chick flicks ones. But then this movie hit me like a brick in the head. I don't know if it was the 1st or the 2nd but it was sarah and john loyd. Well, i hate to say this but the thing about the movie is i could somehow pretty much relate. With the guy having all those responsibilities at work and other stuffs and not having time enough time for her love one. And the girl giving everything all she got and might be thinking about why is she the only one having that spare time.. talk about one hell of a story. haha.

And still about the movie.. these words/lines really caught my attention..

(alam ko.. pag nagmahal ka walang sukatan.. walang "mas". kasi kung magsusukatan at magssukatan lang tayo.. palaging walang magmamahal. laging may sosobra.. may mag kukulang. di na sila mag papantay. E kung ganun lang ng ganun e walang ng papasa sayo noh! Kahit na ako pa..)

Totoo. Never ever say I love you more. Mahirap. Di kayo magpapang abot. No one is gonna be good enough for you pagnagkataon..

Kaya ako.. ang masasabi ko lang?? hmm... I loved you first.

lovefull

Sana.. holdaper ka nalang... ibibigay ko naman ang lahat.. wag mo lang akong sasaktan..

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The line was not intended for you. i know i never gave you everything in fact ako pa nga ay nagkulang... and it's also a fact na nasaktan din kita sa maraming pagkakataon.. d ko man sinasadya o marahil d ko lang din alam na nasasaktan kita..  pero sana.. sana lang talaga.. you didn't just give up on me like that..

lovefull

If everybody deserves a second chance, would it mean we have the freedom to waste the first one?

I'd like to make this concise as possible.. I messed up. Everything turned into ruins.. I was asking for that  5th chance.. that was 3 months ago. I know you gave me 2nd,3rd and 4th chances.. I admit i didn't felt the 2nd.. nor the 3rd. It just happened much like our normal arguements. But then, the 4th. It was the start of a realization. But i failed yet again to make that realization into your much wanted reality. I don't want to you to think that i really wasted all those chances. I was trying.. but i came in a bit too late.. and the fact still remained.. i was a fool afterall.. to not fully recognize how much you meant to me until that day i lost you.

It's been a while since i said these words. I know you don't like hearing these words.. especially if it was coming from me.. but somehow, i just have to.. express myself.. and say.. I'm sorry.. not for everything that has happened.. not for what i did and what i  failed to do.  but I am so sorry for disapointing you.. for being such a stubborn jerk.. for not even growing up to be half the man as your ideal man.

Someday before this month ends.. I'll be coming to see you. To let you know that I love you. Yes.. i still do.  I 'd do anything to make you forget all those things that hurt. Even if I was the one who caused the hurting.  How i wish  I could just take them all away.  I know it could be done..  If you could just let me..

And When that day comes, I'll try not to say I love you.. but instead i'll prove those words to you.. on that day... i just need two things.. a fair weather with an unclouded sky.. and the most important... is to please.. "let me.."

i'm not really even sure if you'd agree to be with me on that day.. so until that day comes. I'll be waitng. But if that day comes, whatever happens from that day on.. i'd respect your decision.. even if that would mean.. you going.. and me staying..

lovefull

This entry is kinda long compared to the other one i normally have.. so if your reading.. pls. bear with me. i do hope i'm not boring you. =)

To start with, i attended the the feast for the second time around. It all went well. TGIS.. thank God it's sunday. Todays' topic was about the Truth. Last week was Honor and 1st was about faith. Too bad i wasn't able to attend the first. If only i knew about this then It would have been great.

The talk was great. So was the homily. I admit. I never felt sleepy during the mass even though I woke up at 6 this morning. Btw, i need to set my body clock now. I'm trying to wake up at 530 to 6am everyday just to set things up straight.. yes even on weekends..

I just have to share this. I felt different when i am attending the feast for some reason..  i know everyone should be happy and rejoice when they are there to hear the words of God but somehow a little sadness pinches my heart when the speaker usually talks and says "tell someone beside you you're special." or "you're beautiful".. well i could do those things.. but it just feels awkward. I forgot what the speaker said or asked the listeners to do but somehow this guy sitting beside me tapped my shoulder, acknowledge me, and smiled at me. The same thing happened last week.. the lady beside me rubbed my back ung tipong haplos ng isang ina and i felt her saying everything would be fine. You'll be ok so don't worry.. and she smiled at me. I wasn't able to do anything but to acknolwedge them with a nod in reply and smiling back at them too. I wish i could do that plainly to someone who is a total stranger.. like what they did to me..  it would have felt great to do those kind of things. And about the guy earlier, he was with this girl.. i think she was his girlfriend.. i remembered when the speaker said something like "Hug someone beside you.." well.. the girl said "kaya mo ko siguro dinala dito".. and they chuckled while hugging each other. Again. that feeling..

If only i had known about these kind of lifechanging talks and events.. then.. somethings might have changed.. and it could've been for the better. I'm not blaming anyone regarding this matter, including the mistakes i made and this sadness i am currently feeling.. Not God, not the people around me.. not her and certainly not me. Blessings are everywhere.. it's just that we are not ready to accept those blessing or it's just not the right time.. that's what i've learn today.

And i've been thinking if i would invite her to attend the Feast with me this valentine's day. This wasn't part of my original plan but i'm doing this plus pursue the original plan.. together with another thing. I'll save the other thing for the later entries. So i'm taking the initiative. It's now or never.

I'm praying for God's guidance.. and hoping you could all pray for me too.  It's not that God doesn't hear my prayers or we could have louder voice if we prayed together.. basta now I know kung baket. I'll probably post the link next time  explaining everything..

It's been said that the Truth shall set you free.. I didn't want to believe what she said was the Truth back then... It's just hard.. and this time.. i am going to ask again.. i pray that God will give me the strength to accept the Truth.. whole heartedly.

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After church, i treated myself to a good and simple lunch. I was wishfully hoping she was there with me.. too bad it was a lonely table just for one.

 1st up, an old time favourite.. warm mushroom soup to sooth the cold feeling inside me.

 Main Course. Lasagna, another fav.. I'm thinking that this one might have been a little bit oily for me. But hey. Minsan na lang naman to.

 And for desert. How about baked cheese for my sweet tooth.. Blueberries were not able.. so i didn't get to have my favourite blueberry cheesecake. Instead I chose the marbled cheesecake. It was good, though i think it was a bit sweet or maybe i was used to eating cheesecakes with blueberries to compliment the sweetness. But i must say the texture of the cake is awesome. all in all i can give it 8/10 rating.. haha. But for me, nothing really beats blueberry cheesecake.

lovefull

How can we be sure of ourselves? our feelings?

Why does certain things happen to us?

Is this the right thing to do?

Would it make a difference?

We all have different answers to those questions..

 And even if I usually regard myself as a logical thinker..

sometimes I have to rely on faith..

Isaia 7:9 "unless you believe, you will not understand."

lovefull

This was a story shared last sunday. This story was about lies.. It made me laugh but there was something more to it.. Read on..

One day, a priest saw a group of kids surrounding a dog. Curious, he came over and asked, “What are you doing?”      

One kid said, “Father, we’re arguing as to who would own this stray dog. We all want him. So we decided that the one who can say the biggest lie would take home the dog.”

The priest shook his head and said, “That’s wrong! Do you know that lying is bad? It’s against the commandments of God. Do you know that when I was your age, I never told a single lie?”

For a moment, there was silence. All the kids looked very sad. The priest was happy. He felt his message hit home.

Finally, the smallest boy said, “Okay, no one can beat that. Give him the dog.”

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What you don't know won't hurt you.. but i'm not the type of guy who doesn't want to know..

so much for reading things that were not supposed to be read..

The truth hurts. So I shall live with it.

lovefull

Finally. Had the guts to call her yesterday. Asked her if we could meet. Damn. Natataranta pa ko di ko alam sasabihin nung sinagot nya ung phone. Her voice.. just melts my anxiety.. then i went on to ask if we could see each other.. maybe after her work or before she goes to ultra. Its her running day thing.. but she said maybe next time, not now. She will have a meeting soon and an activity later that night. As much i want to ask her personally.. kilala ko naman siya so i don't want to be much of a bother or makulit for that matter. 

So much for my excitement and eagerness. It all end up with exchange of sms. She msg why? so i went directly to the point. I asked her if we could meet this sunday.. and if she have any plans on that day. She said, church with someone.. i said that was my plan too. church then talk, lunch and if she wills it.. could be up to dinner. I have plans laid out if ever she agreed to be with me on that day. But my situation was hopeless. I still asked to see her perhaps some other day. Well, the answer was painstakingly the same as it was 3 months ago.. she said that she's not comfortable with  the 2 of us going out anymore. Even with those words piercing my heart.. I still saw a light from that. I replied.. if i could get someone else to come with us.. kahit isa lang then would she agree to go out with me... from that she replied pwede si bestfriend nalang (I knew this guy, met him and hanged out with him too). I said yes.. pero iba nasa isip ko.. I was choosing and thinking between her girl bestfriend that i've never met before or her youngest brother to be with us  on that day.. I would be much comfortable if her brother or the girl bestfriend na cguro makikilala ako as her EX was there instead of that guy.. I don't have anything about that guy. I know he is good, nice, and a caring friend.. But then I'll always have that feeling na dyahe. Alam mo un? diba? but I just have to agree.. because for all i know.. this could be the last chance i could go out with her..

Now i don't know if i should push through. The date has still not been set yet. And my mind is kinda clouded.. What will i do? Oh i just don't know. What shall i say? It's hard to think of the right words to say.. but i know.. i know that.. I don't want to.. talk about it.. how you broke my heart.. if i stay here just a little bit longer.. if i stay here won't you listen.. to my heart.. Oh oh my heaaart.... 

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Managed to be online on ym today and not be in invisible mode even with her around. Well, i think this is the start..

Should have slept early today.. but must have been carried away writing and remembering all those things that happened yesterday.

Good night then..

lovefull

Tired. Just that.

Btw, i have to thank this foreigner at the KFC a while ago while i was buying dinner. He paid for all the food of the people waiting at the counter. Damn nice. Really. Someone asked, Is this for real? Is it your birthday? What's the reason.. Well he just said.. There's no reason.. Do i need a reason to do things like this?.. Yun ang sagot. Nakakagulat. Unbelievable.. for someone to do something like that.. I think it would have been better kung ung mga walang makain ung pinakain nya. Kasi lahat naman ng tao dun may pambayad.. but still.. thanks for the blessing though.. It is really unexpected.

Talked to a friend. She just knew about my situation.. tapos bumanat... Siguro "A" ka... kasi... bigla ko pinigilan sabi ko.. loko! kala mo di ko alam yan.. gustuhin ko man malungkot. natawa nalang ako.

And this is something.. for those who know.. I want to watch the play..

I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are my love, on life
All my life

I've longed to discover
Something as true as this is

lovefull

It's time to curl up in one corner of my room. It's time to break down and cry.. but I think it's just about time to start letting go.. and move on.. a little step each day.. until finally.. set myself free from these chains of sorrows that kept me in a bounded rationality about love.

So, what's the idea? well, i don't know if you would consider this rude.. i don't know about what she's going to think about me if she gets to read this but hey i just want to express myself too.. this was from her latest blog entry.. and i hope people would not judge her based on her words and my current situation which is much like lower than dirt.. so please, i beg you not to..

"currently in limbo, a different kind of limbo than before, but I don’t mind. we don’t have the labels –boyfriend and girlfriend, or currently dating, or mutual agreement, or what not. it’s just that we don’t feel the need to categorize, yet. the fact is, we’re happy with each other. the commitment is present, the contentment is there. what more do we need? i doubt society’s approval would make us happier than how we already are. sure, it’ll make things so much easier, but hey, who says we really care what they think? after all, we’ve established long ago that what we think of each other matters most, and that’s about it.

so bakit nga ba hindi pa kami? i mean, we already act like it. because… 1. i want the friendship there. forever. 2. we’re not really in a hurry, anyway. as long as we know where we stand, we’re ok. 3. our families don’t have any idea yet of how serious this is, and somehow, I’d like to give them a head’s up before coming home and blurting out “hey, guess what? kami na.” the best thing about this? we share almost everything, down to religion. didn’t seem like it before, but it’s a big thing for me. nakakapanibago, pero it feels incredibly nice and different... good different every satuday when we have our short devotions. it's a good peaceful feeling."

I may have introduced this guy as *jacob* from some of my earlier entries but i have not written much about him or their current situation.. it's because i really don't know anything him or what's happening with them.. i just get the updates from her blog. To find out how she's doing and all. I don't know when he came into her life, must have been after that painful incident or could have been before it happened. But then who cares anyway?.. oh, wait.. she does. I may not know much about him but I know he is one lucky / blessed guy who came at the right time in her life..Btw, did i mention that i know that she's happy? And that i envy the guy for doing all the right things at the right time.

It's been 104 days since she decided to end our relationship. People might think that it's just too early.. but then again.. if it's never too late for love.. then the same thing applies.. there's no such thing as too early for love. I've always believed that commitment starts the moment that you decide to court a girl.. at hindi mo dapat ligawan kung sa huli ay iyo rin namang iiwanan. And that's just my way of thinking. It may be different for all guys out there.. and there could always be that exception.. and that exception usually depends on you.

As much as i want to be bitter.. I just don't feel like being one.. because I know that i don't have the right to.. and i really don't have much time to, either.. instead of the bitterness.. all that was left were unanswered questions and some realizations that i might just post on the coming days.

I am thankful she's doing great and is happy. Even if it could not be me.. and even if it hurts.. that would not keep me from loving her. This doesn't mean i'm giving up on her. I need to respect her decision. if time wills it.. and if she lets me.. i'd always try to make her fall for me.. Still, there is hope in me.. that she might still change her mind..  that i might do something extra ordinaire to revert all the things that have happened.. but then i'm not really counting much on that idea.. because it's probably me.. just dreaming..  Still thinking if i should see her or not.. probably to say thank you and other stuffs.

I am just beginning to learn the art of letting go. Pls bear with me.. and help me accept the reality..

and here's something to think about... an icebreaker, haha.

do you know about the continental drift theory??... well, kung ang lupa ay naghihiwa-hiwalay.. tao pa kaya?

Good night.. or should i say good morning..

lovefull

Oh not much to do but remember the memories of love.. so tell me.. how do you measure a year in the life?

About the memories, it's funny to think that the things i remembered were the reasons why she decided to end everything.. though i admit i am guilty of some.. or maybe all... and i would really want to argue and voice out my side of the story.. but then.. resistance is futile.. instead, i'll probably do a list.. so that i would not forget them.. and to remind me that i am in control.. that i could always change for the better.. even if it meant that it could not be for her..

I know she told me something like "Kung tayo talaga.. tayo talaga.." I would not deny that a part of me still believes in those words. Sigh. Talk about Destiny.. oh.. life is indeed cruel.. nah.. maybe sometimes.. or nagkataon lang siguro.

Here's a short and funny clip about destiny.

And I almost forgot.. It's valentines day na.. have a nice day to all...

To my mom and dad,

Happy Anniversary.. It's your 25th year anniversary. I wish you both all the best. I know we've never been the ideal family, that  i've pictured out to be, but i'm really thankful for all the blessing. Both of you still have problems  with each other.. I know because i always felt the coldness between the two you when i went home during the holidays.. I  pray and wish you two could rekindle the flame of love.. and that passion... i believe that love still works... if not for me.. atleast for both of you.. thank you and I love you.

-Your loving son.

And I dedicated this song for my parents.. and I guess for me too..

Happy Valentines to everyone.. And that goes for you too. You know who you are.. if you are reading this..

lovefull

I had only roughly 4 hours of sleep last night. Slept at around 2am and woke up 6am to prepare and go to VVCC for the feast. Went there with the drowsiness inside me.. haha. But then, as expected i wasn't able to sleep during the session. Eventhough the enviroment was so amiable(I was seated near the A/C) I didn't doze off. It's because the mass was well executed and the homily was very interesting. Not to mention they had a very good guest speaker who shared a tear dropping story. Plus i got to learn more about lenten season. Ofcourse I know the basic stuffs about the ash on the forehead but it's nice to learn something more.. an understanding. The speaker which was a priest was really funny. I was really enjoying the talk. and should i say.. LMAO.. haha.. But it was very educational. He tried to share everything he studied in the seminary for 3 years in just 15 minutes. But 15minutes was not enough. How do you call this.. It was "bitin".

The feast never failed to amuse me everytime i went there during sundays.. The homily was about blessings. From todays' gospel... "Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh."  

The last line caught my attention haha.. blessed are you that weep now. I don't want to be preachy and this would take too long if i would be explaining what todays homily was so i suggest you go to church. Well for me, the Feast made me look forward to every sundays of the year.

Oh.. I forgot to say something.. Guess what?  I had a date today.. =) Who said valentines day are for couples. Well my date taught me well.. and i've realized that.. i shouldn't put a question mark where God puts a period. 

So i'll let you in a little secret. I had a date with the Lord. =)

After that we went for a walk then Ate at some coffee shop. Well i ordered Smoked Salmon w/ Cream Cheese Panini and Rasperry Mocha Kiss with a chocolate stick on top. =) I forgot to take the picture before i ate it. I just got some when i was halfway done. Forgive me, i was starving at that time. I also noticed that somehow i just had the whole place for myself. Now, where did everyone go? I think coffee shops are not the most romantic spots in town. Oh. I guess.. I'm at the right place at the right time. =)

I wanted to go spend the afternoon at the bay.. lay back on my spot.. watch the sunset..  and  also i know there's going to be fireworks later tonight at 7. But then, i don't want to burden this warm and lovely day with grief that i'd have to recall the next time this day comes on the coming years. So instead, I went to the grocery to buy somet hings and decided to reawaken my desire to cook, baked, make or probably mess up things in the kitchen. Went home after and whipped up a nice dessert for everyone at the house. Here are the ingredients. Oh the cream and other fillings were missing. haha.

                    Butter                          Graham Crackers.. Crushed.             Sunflower Cracker Crushed.

                   Peaches                                          Mangoes                          The dough?? Crust?

Well the finished product is currently chillin. Post it maybe later if it sets.

lovefull

Checked the cake this morning when i woke up.. but to my surprise someone took the liberty of tasting it first.. haha.. I think it was my uncle. He always have this so called midnight snack thing. I just hope he liked it. Oh well here's what it looked like. Sorry about the lighting condition of the pictures. It was 530 in the morning when i took them.

Sliced Through.

Just went ballistic on the fruits.

Desserts should be healthy. =) more on the fruits. Less on the cream. Haha

When i arrived home a while ago, i found out there was nothing left. So i'm making a new batch for those at home who were not able to even taste it..

lovefull

When you feel like you can't sleep at all... all i can say is.. "Always open" that drink and drown yourself to sleep. Haha. Now i'm feeling a bit tipsy. Still have work tomorrow so good night..

Nuff said! I'll let the song do the talking. Btw, nice booody.. but then.. her voice is even nicer.. woooh

Oh i love toni braxton!! This is my lullabye for the night.............

lovefull

There are only two things to worry about;
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry.
but if you are sick there are two things for you to worry about;
Either you get well or you will die.
If you get well, then there is nothing to worry.
If you die, then there are two things to worry about;
Either you go heaven or you go to hell.
If you go to heaven, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends..
you won't have time to worry.

-anonymous

Again?? Why worry?

lovefull

Something is still bleeding inside me today. The wounds are still fresh. Crap. I feel my body getting heavy.. it's as if it just wants to lay down and feel the comfort of my bed.. sigh..

Went to the my dentist, my favorite aunt, today. I had an appointment for a dental operation or should i say wisdom tooth extraction.. I The procedure took about 1 and a half hour. Damn tooth wont just budge off easily maybe because of the visibility. and Yeah! even with the anesthetic injected. Btw, I forgot. It wasn't just one tooth. It's a pair of teeth. My wisdom tooth has something that you might call a mini wisdom tooth.

My uncle, her husband, which also happens to be a dentist gave me something.. a tooth chamber where i could put my pair of wisdom teeth later. Nice. =)

       X-ray taken a month ago.                    Little Tooth Thing.                           Father and Son

 Now, i've always wondered. Why was it called the wisdom tooth? If you have them ,would that mean you become wiser? and then, why do i get the feeling i became dumber when the tooth was extracted. tell me.. haha.

By the way, i wished there was something like an anesthesia for the emotional pains that i feel.. Well, she said i was numb and insensitive.. but why do i feel so much pain and sorrows. I guess it's just me..  Now, will someone just pls stick a needle into my heart and inject a gallon of anesthesia inside me. But then come to think of it... The numbness will be gone when the effect of the anesthesia wores off... and I'm thinking you cannot remove all of the pain.. part of it will still be there.. Guess it's better to have felt it than not at all.. wait.. cguro pede na kahit isang beses mo lang maramdaman. haha.

Oh, you probably won't remember me. It's probably ancient history.
I'm one of the chosen few, who went ahead and fell for you.
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch. I fell to fast, I feel to much.
I thought that you might have.. Some advice to give.. on how to be..

INSENSITIVE

lovefull

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

3. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. Born free, taxed to death.

6. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

7. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

8. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

9. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

10. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the
        other three, he was the genius.

11. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

12. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

13. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

14. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

15. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

16. Someday is not a day of the week

17. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

18. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

19. Its really painful to say goodbye to someone that you dont want to let go but...
     It´s even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay....

20. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

And the all time favorite...

21. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or
       married to someone else …

lovefull

Arrived home at 3am this morning.. met with old friends, and had a great time singing my heart out out even with the pain on my swollen cheeks. Slept and woke up around 830am. But was too tired so i decided to sleep again. Woke up at 11 and prepared to go to church on the 3rd session. It was my first time to go on the third session. And it was just was i needed to end up a tired and restless day. =) And btw, look what i got from the church community.. well.. it's a basil plant. I do hope it will grow up to be strong and healthy.. and not just wilt down. I transferred it a while a go on a larger container and will take care of it on the coming days. I'm looking forward 6 weeks from now.. when it would grow up to be such a beautiful plant. And i could use it for cooking! yeah. finally, i got my own fresh basil on the house.

And if I do get succesfull on growing this one. I'll consider having my own herb garden for a change.

Btw, There's really no ocassion or whatsoever but I'd like to thank everyone for the comments, inspiring words, and simple suggestions. Thank you for being part of my world. I think it's just right to give you all thanks..

And as for my love, Thank you for everything. For the past. For the good times and the bad times. For being my first.. For all the lessons. For the happiness. and most of all.. for loving me.. even if it was just short-lived. Thank you very much.

sana'y masabi mo na mahal mo pa rin ako

lovefull

I'm having those episodes again.. so i'm writing this to make myself feel good, in a way. How i wish i could be the old me.  The old lovefool who didn't really care about love. The one who lived before i met her.  I used to act like it doesn't  hurt when it hurts and act like it does when it really hurts.. but this time, it's not that easy. How much i wanted to be my old self but then i couldn't. 

So much have changed in just a short period of time.  And i know there would still be much change  to happen in the coming days. What is 3 years compared to a lifetime? Guess it's just a piece of the puzzle.. and I'd say a good piece of the puzzle. A piece worth remembering. If I consider my life as a jigsaw puzzle. Then there is a chance that i may have placed that good piece in a wrong way. Well, the puzzle is still not complete. I can't see the big picture yet. Everything's just starting to unfold.

As house says.. "People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. And there's nothing any of us can do about it." I think this pertains to all things people are getting or what is happening to them. May it be good.. or bad. Everything happens for a reason. And i believe that the only thing we can really do about it is to be satisfied with what we are getting. Be contented of what you have or what you are receiving. If something was taken, accept the fact and still be contented of what is left from/of you. And if something comes along your way that you think it's too much than what you are needing.. then.. be thankful. Be very thankful.

lovefull

Happy Birthday Lyn. I was hoping you could read this.. maybe you could.. some other time. I've prepared a card for you. So I will be seeing you tonight. I just hope that even for a minute.. you could just forget about everything and not feel uncomfortable when we meet. Just see me as a friend.. and not a lover. Not someone who's begging for your love but someone who's sharing his love as a friend. So..

Open the door and come in
I'm so glad to see you my friend
Don't know how long it has been
Having those feelings again.

And now I see that you're so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

Aah, my love, Aah
You're in love
That's the way
It should be
Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me
Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
Cause I know
That you're in love

Sometimes it's hard to believe
That you're never coming back to me
I've had this dream that you'd always be by my side
Oh I could have died.

But now I see that you're so happy..

I'm happy for you too.
If ever you need me..
You know where to find me..
or better yet.. call me..
I'll always be there..
for you..

lovefull

Good evening. I hope I didn’t wake you up for this. Well, let me start of with this. I tried surprising you during those times but somehow I wasn’t successful. So, I hope I’ve manage to surprise you this time. Forgive me if I was suddenly at your doorstep on the late hours of your birthday. And I apologize for not greeting you earlier or yet for being the first to greet you on this special day. Though I must admit I waited for the clock to struck 12 last night. I wanted to greet you but It’s just that I really don’t want to mess things up again for you. I don’t want to ruin anything. It’s your birthday and this is your moment. I wish I could have spent the day with you but then, it’s your birthday so I don’t have any right to wish for that and anything that has resemblance for that matter.

I could have written those words on the card.. but I didn't. I respect her decision and i don't want to sound ridiculous begging and asking for another chance that is pretty much impossible to happen.  Though i admit i am a lovefool.. this time i don't want to look like one infront of her. Instead I decided to write something a good friend would write. Simple words that have deep meanings. No dramas. No reasoning out. Just a plain and simple friendly card. I wrote something like...

Best wishes on your birthday and throughout the coming years. May you have many more birthdays to come. Hope you had a wonderful birthday. Call me if you need anything.. I'll be there.. even when you least expect it.

I might have forgotten to write the even when you least expect it part. Damn this memory of mine.

lovefull

Wasn't really expecting anything but a hug.. just a hug from her would be nice. And i really needed that badly. And i would have been very uplifted if she was to gave me one last night. But that's not what really happened.. This was the reality....

Went to greet her last night. Arrived at her place around 1030 in the evening. Waited for the elevator. Was gonna call her at that moment while waiting for the elevator. Then I had that intuition she was gonna be there on that elevator.. and got that bad feeling she's not alone. Well, it hurts to know i was right. I saw them going out the elevator. It was hard for me to say any words.. but i manage to say something softly.. i'll wait for you here.

Then, i think she went to accompany the guy on his car. It took her a while, and when she came back,  she invited me up but i humbly declined her offer.( I admit my torpedo side got me on that one and naisip ko rin na nakakahiya pa para tumuloy sa kanila.. sa  mga magulang nya.. especially to her dad at sa mga kapatid nya..)  Instead, I gave her the card. Some dark chocolate coated almonds. (one of her faves. i tried looking at different groceries and supermarkets for 3musketeers chocolate bars but to no avail wasn't able to find any  T_T).  Plus more chocolate made by my younger sister for her. (my younger sister still doesn't know that she broke up with me na.. probably tell her when the right time comes.) And her 1st cellphone that i found while rummaging on my stuffs at home.

Well that was just about it. Greeted her happy birthday.. and with my unnoticeable shaking hands..  I gently touched her face and told her tawag ka lang pag may kailangan ka.. then waved goodbye.. and there goes the elevator.. up up up.

I went home with my head down.. thinking of what just happened. Realizations..? Well, I don't know if this was a good thing or not but i didn't cry last night. Not a tear drop fell from my gloomy eyes. Come to think of it.. must have dried out through the nights i cried myself to sleep.

Honestly speaking.. I hoped she would introduced us, me and that guy. I  really would like to know him. And atleast shake his hands. Kahit na siguro ipakilala nya ako bilang kaibigan.. kahit hindi na  as ex-lover or something like that. Though i know it would really be painful on my part. It's nice to know the person na sa tingin nya ay magtatama ng mga mali ko at  magpupuno ng mga pagkukulang ko..

Pinipilit ko mang bumangon sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.. di ko parin kayang linlangin ang aking sarili pagdating sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. At di ko rin maipagkakaila sa aking sarili.. na sa loob loob ko.. ninanais ko parin.. na sana.. ako parin at ako nalang ung dapat na magpapasaya sa kanya..

"I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle he could.. but what i can promise you is that.. i will always love you and i will never try to make you into something that you're not."

-I slept peacefully last night.. but when i woke up. I felt something on my face.. I think it was tears that dried out. I don't know what happened. I don't remember crying to sleep last night. I don't know if things like that could happen.. unconsciously crying while at sleep.  I don't believe it's possible. So i'm asking myself what the hell really happened last night. :-?

lovefull

I'm tired of all the things that are happening to me. Eventhough I have this boring and somehow inactive lifestyle, i feel tired of all my struggles in life. But you know what.. I'm going to change the way i live, change how i spend each day. I am going to change myself because I know. I am in control.

I am tired. Yes, indeed. But somehow, I feel like I'll never get tired of loving you. I don't know when will this end. I can't say  "forever" because i consider the word as an understatement. And I don't want to say/write/use the word the way you used to in your letters. Because if I do.. I'll be honoring my word until my last breath. And it would be very hard for someone to love and never be loved back in return.

Somehow.. love does fade.. I say these words because you're love for me faded away. I don't know how, how long, or when it started. But I know now that I couldn't really do much about it. I wished we could have talked things out again.. as we used too.. I hoped we could have compromised. But then.. It's all a matter of choice. You made yours and I respect that. But i want you to know..  i meant every word i said.. when i said that i love you.

So Until that day comes.. I'm just gonna keep on loving you..

This one is one of the best songs i've ever heard. I don't know if you'd agree. But hey.. I love old songs. They just have so much meaning in them. Not to mention their melodies are just that "catchy". Good song eh? And about the acting on the music video.. You judge.. haha. Special mention to the fancy hairdos during the 80's. =) and the doctor too.

Keep on loving everyone..

I greeted miss lassie happy birthday today. I asked for forgiveness for the things i may have done or may have said something bad to/about her. She said thanks and it's ok.. that i didn't do anything or offended her. I told her that I have said some things not good about her in the past. I didn't tell her exactly what were those words. I just admitted the fact the i've wronged her. And she don't know about it because It was in a backstab kind of way. So here I am.. apologizing for all the bad words that i've said about her. esp. the devil thing. I'm sorry. I'm doing this because I am changing myself. And now i just realized that no matter what she did or does.. i have to see the good in people. Help them and not go backstabbing and stuff. Thank you lass.. and for saying you will..

lovefull

Tomorrow will be the start. From March 1 to 7 is fasting week for me and to the others who are attending the feast. I think that this would be a great time to know more about God, to talk to him and have intimate moments with the Lord. Fasting would also lead to self realizations and getting to know more about yourself  with His presence. And I believe that this is an essential part that I need to do in my quest to be a better man. For God, for those I love and just simple for the people around me or for everyone.

Taken from Mr. Bo's fasting booklet.

- Fasting declares that you're dead serious about pursuing Him because you're crazy enough to say No to something as basic as food. If you can say No to a basic need, what else can you not do for the Lord?

Choosing My Fast.

I opted to choose the liquid fast. Having only water and juices preferably fresh fruit and vegetable juices as my daily source of nutrition for the week. And like Mr. Bo. I believe that this is the best kind of fast.. from a physical health perspective. This would help flush out all the toxins in my body. And with the liquid fasting.. I decided to add something extra. As taken from some examples on the booklets' list.

Fast from all that's harmful to your life. (check)

Fast from unhealthy food. (check)

Fast from your addictions such as smoking and alcoholism. (uhm. check. I quited smoking years ago during my 1st year college because i got "basted" by the first girl i ever courted. And about alcohol. I am not that much of a heavy drinker. I am what you call the social drinker. And I was able to live without drinking alcohol for 3 years so what's a week compared to that. Guess i just have to say no to social gatherings this week. XD )

Fast from your arrogance and gossip. (Double check. Include stubborness in here. hehe)

Fast from a critical spirit and negativity. (Triple check. Fast from all the suffering and pains.)

and I have yet to decide whether I should fast from too much internet. XD

And that's about it.

Good thing I started soft diet yesterday. Had mangoes and strawberries for lunch. And Gatorade for dinner.
and today. Had fruit and vegetable salad for lunch from kenny rogers and ginataang talbos ng kamote plus strawberry shake for dinner.

Tomorrow's a big day.. So i'm gonna start this one right. and It feels like March 1 is just the beginning of the year 2010 for me. haha. And about that.. I wanted to end the month of february by going back to my sanctuary. And just watch the last february sunset. It has been a month now since i went to that place. But i decided not to. I don't want to sulk in the very same spot where I could have done something very special for us..