lovefull

Wasn't really expecting anything but a hug.. just a hug from her would be nice. And i really needed that badly. And i would have been very uplifted if she was to gave me one last night. But that's not what really happened.. This was the reality....

Went to greet her last night. Arrived at her place around 1030 in the evening. Waited for the elevator. Was gonna call her at that moment while waiting for the elevator. Then I had that intuition she was gonna be there on that elevator.. and got that bad feeling she's not alone. Well, it hurts to know i was right. I saw them going out the elevator. It was hard for me to say any words.. but i manage to say something softly.. i'll wait for you here.

Then, i think she went to accompany the guy on his car. It took her a while, and when she came back,  she invited me up but i humbly declined her offer.( I admit my torpedo side got me on that one and naisip ko rin na nakakahiya pa para tumuloy sa kanila.. sa  mga magulang nya.. especially to her dad at sa mga kapatid nya..)  Instead, I gave her the card. Some dark chocolate coated almonds. (one of her faves. i tried looking at different groceries and supermarkets for 3musketeers chocolate bars but to no avail wasn't able to find any  T_T).  Plus more chocolate made by my younger sister for her. (my younger sister still doesn't know that she broke up with me na.. probably tell her when the right time comes.) And her 1st cellphone that i found while rummaging on my stuffs at home.

Well that was just about it. Greeted her happy birthday.. and with my unnoticeable shaking hands..  I gently touched her face and told her tawag ka lang pag may kailangan ka.. then waved goodbye.. and there goes the elevator.. up up up.

I went home with my head down.. thinking of what just happened. Realizations..? Well, I don't know if this was a good thing or not but i didn't cry last night. Not a tear drop fell from my gloomy eyes. Come to think of it.. must have dried out through the nights i cried myself to sleep.

Honestly speaking.. I hoped she would introduced us, me and that guy. I  really would like to know him. And atleast shake his hands. Kahit na siguro ipakilala nya ako bilang kaibigan.. kahit hindi na  as ex-lover or something like that. Though i know it would really be painful on my part. It's nice to know the person na sa tingin nya ay magtatama ng mga mali ko at  magpupuno ng mga pagkukulang ko..

Pinipilit ko mang bumangon sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.. di ko parin kayang linlangin ang aking sarili pagdating sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. At di ko rin maipagkakaila sa aking sarili.. na sa loob loob ko.. ninanais ko parin.. na sana.. ako parin at ako nalang ung dapat na magpapasaya sa kanya..

"I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle he could.. but what i can promise you is that.. i will always love you and i will never try to make you into something that you're not."

-I slept peacefully last night.. but when i woke up. I felt something on my face.. I think it was tears that dried out. I don't know what happened. I don't remember crying to sleep last night. I don't know if things like that could happen.. unconsciously crying while at sleep.  I don't believe it's possible. So i'm asking myself what the hell really happened last night. :-?