lovefull

5 days.. oh 5 days since the last february sunset. Indeed, it's been quite a while. Had a hiatus on everything. Yes, even the internet. Too bad i couldn't have a break from work.

5th day. Guess what? I am still alive. And feel energenetic more than the usual. The liquid diet was a good choice. But the first 3 days was really a pain in the ---. Headaches felt like it would never end. Not to mention the craving for good old solid foods.

I won't elaborate much what i had to eat drink for the days that passed and what i could have eaten. Just think.. when you are at your weakest.. temptation comes as if it was just the air you're breathing.

I just drank and drank. Most of them were fresh fruit and vegetable juice, shakes and with no sugar. Not to mention plenty of water. 8 to 10 glass of water a day does the job. But had to go wee-wee most of the time. And my urine is color clear white.. meaning? Di dehydrated.. tama? hehe.

With all these coming to mind. I have clearly developed some habits. And I'm planning to keep them. One is to drink 2 glasses of water when you wake up in the morning. I'll state the others some other time.

Realizations came in like it was rain pouring down on me on a stormy day. Glad I chose to do this.

Oh i feel good. I feel great!.

lovefull

Probably try to eat something for lunch tomorrow.. then do something good. Maybe a little pampering would do.  I guess I am just tired. Physically and emotionally speaking. Good thing I'm always looking forward to Sundays. not because Sunday is treat myself day for me.. (atleast for being able to cope up and survive with all the things that have happened). But because everything just settles and comes to rest at Sunday. And I'm glad to say that I'm doing great when it comes to the spiritual aspect of my life. I've never felt better.

A while a go at the office.. Mrs. Lala noticed that I've grown thin. She said "ang payat payat mo na ah.."  I didn't told her I was fasting this week and was having a hard time these past few months. Instead, I just replied with a smile and said.. "Hayaan nyo po ma'am.. papataba na ko ulet." Then she made a follow up comment with something like "Naku.. di maganda yan.." I think she was referring how I just lost weight somehow in a short period of time. After that I just kept quiet. Di ko alam kung pano sasabihin.. na di rin po ganun kaganda ung mga nangyari saken lately. kaya ayun..

I didn't know people would notice. So I checked my weight. From my annual physical exam record held last november 5. I weighted 76 kgs.. and now.. I weight 68 kgs. I don't think 8 kgs not that bad. Well, 8x2.2 = 17.6 lbs in 4 months. I don't know my exact weight when i started with the liquid diet so I don't know how much i lost this week.

I didn't have to do gym or some heavy exercises to achieve something like that. Just long walks.. and using the stairs  did the trick. Not to mention balanced diet. The secret? Loads of fresh fruits and vegetables.. not to mention leafy greens.  I almost forgot. I always have yogurt atleast once a week and will make it 2 to 3 times a week on the coming days. When I feel hungry during wee hours of the day. I just go to my handy can of mixed nuts  (almonds and cashew) to comfort my tummy. About 4 pcs is enough to solve that problem. Not to mention it's  tasty,nutritious and definitely removes the hungry feeling. I know.. almonds + cashew cost much these days. But I believe that there's no price when it comes to healthy living. This is my life we're talking about after all. Now, I just want to maintain my weight to the range of 68 to 70 kgs. 

lovefull

What I've learned yesterday-.

I need to instill this one on me so I am writing this down. I need to grow. Grow and evolve. Persist. I am human after all. I need to push the limits. Move out of my comfort zone and do things I've never done before. I know what I need to do. and what i want to do. I know what I should improve, remove and what should I keep.

 I'm eyeing something for myself.. a gift for myself. I know it's 6 months too early for my birthday but never the less.. I think buying that thing would really take my mind of some things.. maybe not most.. but it would be a great help. I could start all over again. Well, I really don't mind. So, I decided to buy me that gift this week. Probably friday. Yes I am excited. And after that.. I guess I'm off to be thrifty in ways you couldn't have imagine. And i'll be saving again.. even if i really don't have that much reason to this time.. uhm, the last time i had one such great reason to save money. Now.. I don't know..

Speaking of moving out of my comfort zone and doing things I've never done before. I manage to help a total stranger today. I saw him a long time ago, He was a blind man. The first time i saw him i felt pity for him. Why would be a blind man be walking down the road full of vendors, vehicles and not to mention trucks passing by litex road at night. It's dangerous to be walking around a busy road with no vision at all.. During that time.. I cared but I never cared to help and do something to help him.  I must have seen him 3 or 4 times but the idea to help him never went through my head.  Later did I know that he rides the same tricycle i take when going home.

Today, When I saw him as i alight the bus.. I decided to help him. So, I approached him and asked him to let me.. guide his way up to the tricycle station. He replied with a yes and held on to my arms. and with the other hand.. he held his retractable stick. The tricycle station is around 3 blocks down the road so I had ample time to talk to him while I guided him through a maze of sidewalk carts, vehicles and vendors. He goes by the name of Mang erning.. He works at isetann quiapo as a masahista. And he goes to work everyday. And with those things in mind. My pity for him changed to admiration. This guy is awesome. Blind as he is. He never saw darkness in life. Instead he wakes up every morning to work for his family. Even if it's a long travel. Even if it is dangerous. I think it's just right that he receives my help even if it's just the simplest way of being able to go home safely.. As i bid him farewell tonight. I felt different. I don't know what it is but I felt good helping him.. it's my first time to do something like this.. help a total stranger.. The next time i see him. I'd definitely do the same thing..

well, everybody needs help. sinu bang hindi? diba lahat naman tayo..

lovefull

Simplicity isn't the greatest thing in the world.

Love is...

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13:13

Yes. Got X1,299 php poorer today. Finally. The long wait is over. Finally. Time to clean things up and prepare everything for a new beginning. I think it was worth it. Money well spent I say. Now it's time to pack up and save again. She will be loved, i tell you. Sad to say, I wasn't able to see and have her today. But tomorrow, i am sure, she'll be in my arms. Yay! I'm picking her up tomorrow after work. =) Yay. I am excited!

(i'm talking about the gift on my last post. Hope you didn't get the wrong idea.. haha.. And It's a she.. now I wonder if I should i give her a name....)

lovefull

Love can't you see I'm alone
Can't you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask - a little kindness
In the night
Please don't leave me behind
No - don't tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask and that is all

oh Love i've been searching so long
I've been searching high'n'low
A little love is all I ask - a little sadness
When you're gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don't let's pretend
A little love is all I ask and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean Deep - I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary Room
Ocean Deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep - Ocean Deep

Love can't you hear when I call
Can't you hear a word I say
A little love is all I ask
a little feeling When we touch
Why am I still alone?
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask - and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean Deep - I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary Room
Ocean Deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep - Ocean Deep

I'm so lonely lonely lonely...
maybe..

lovefull

I never felt this way before. Yes, it's true. I don't know what got into me but it's just that I've always been looking forward to sundays. Maybe it's just that I don't get to go to the office. And I have an awesome appointment with God to attend to..

Well, today i woke up abit more energized than usual. Woke up at six and left home for church at around 630. Arrived at the feast way too early. I think there were less than 30 people inside. The session went smoothly. Enlightening as usual. The only difference was today.. when we were about to go to the part of the mass wherein you say "peace be with you" to all those around you.. the priest said something, instead of just saying peace be with you, think of someone who have wronged you. And think of that person as the one beside you. Then say to him/her "peace be with you.. I forgive you.." I said those words with someone in mind. I don't think she may have wronged me in any way but i felt that i had to say those words because I can't hide the fact that i was hurt. So I said, to the one beside me.. "peace be with you, I forgive you" but deep down inside me.. what i really meant to say was "peace be with you, I forgive you... and i hope you've forgiven me too.."

Btw, the one sitting beside me caught my attention. not writing much details about this one. hehe. but I'm hoping to see her again next sunday.. sana. =)

After that, had one of those one on one sessions with myself. I usually hang out at this coffee shop after church. There's something about the place that just gets into me. Must have been the fact that there aren't that much people on the shop at that particular time. And i just find the place serene.. In some way..

As I prepare to spend time with myself. I sat down on this lofty seat. Where i could feel the warmth of the sun in her gleaming rays through the glass window beside me.  and found myself ready, in the most comfortable spot wherein i could hear the gentle and lovely music playing.. and smell the aroma of freshly brewed coffee in the air..  well, those things just sooths me in a very special way.

So,  with a glass of ice cold coffee at the table, this good book in one hand, and a pen on the other. I begin to let time pass me by. With no worries, but just that blissful feeling inside me as I enjoy drinking my coffee and read this book.. often times pausing for a moment. Thinking, and understanding myself.. And taking down important and interesting notes that i find amusing or interesting as i go through the book.. And to tell you, I'm not the type of reader who hasten reading a book so that he could read the next one in line. I am just merely trying to read slowly.. understand and reflect on thoughts about what i read.

I don't know what people might think of how i spend my sundays but everything has changed since the 1st sunday of february. Well, call me shallow. But this is simplest way i could think of to spend and take care of that moment This is how i cope up with reality.. 

lovefull

Just got home from the office. Had the quickest way home. From ortigas to fairview in just 35 minutes. Well, I'd say it was a thrilling way home. Riding an ordinary faired bus with songs loud music playing.. particularly Bon Jovi's "It's my life!!!".. Yeah It's now or never. Haha.. So if you want the ride of your life. And you're on your way to fairview. Try riding an ordinary bus. Makes you feel like you're on a race track at EDSA. Swerving left and right. Feeling the strong gush of wind on your face. Feels like you are the king of the road. Going at full speed on commonwealth ave without hesitation. =) All i could say is hold tight and get a grip on something hard and stable. And while your at it. I suggest you try the ordinary bus named  "SAFEWAY" haha. I dunno what's with the name but riding the bus makes you think twice why the hell it was named "SAFEWAY" when you're going to eat your heart out during the trip. So if you need something exciting / thrilling.. try riding an ordinary bus. Haha. beats the crap out of any amusement ride you've ever had. Especially if you're riding the bus at around 12am to 4am! :p

So, what's new this week? I guess not that much. Just had scratches on my hands, and bruises on my arms and chest pains. All received in the MRT station. I really don't know why people riding MRT couldn't have even a little discipline while boarding the train. A little respect wouldn't be that bad. But i guess I just need to live with it. Well, doesn't matter anymore if I get wounded or had those "ochi" things in me because I was pushed, trampled and crushed while riding the MRT. Come to think of it.. I should have looked on the brighter side.. well, atleast lyn is not with me during those days wherein she could've been hurt.. It's inevitable.. even if I  am trying to protect her and shield her from harm. Oh.. memories. Always makes me smile when I get to remember them. =) And physical wounded doesn't really matter much to me these days. Because I know..  I had worsts.

Wasn't able to go to work last wednesday. Took a days off to rest. Experienced dizziness on tuesday evening. Thought that it was just the heat of the day, so I took a bath when I arrived home. I dunno what happened but the next thing I knew was I vomited. I tried to remember what i had that day. Well, i had lettuce, cucumber and apple juice for lunch. Pizza and pepsi for merienda. I was thinking maybe it was the softdrinks. I don't have any idea regarding what happened but my vomit was black in color, must have been teh pepsi.. It was quite a while when I had one.. so now, I'm really thinking twice if I should take on any carbonated drinks again. 

lovefull

Parang commercial lang. =)

I was having 2nd thoughts this morning.. whether to get up and go to church or just sleep all day. Well I wanted to sleep and take a good days rest. I had work yesterday so I am tired. Not to mention that I know I am lacking a good night sleep lately. Wasn't having enough time to sleep. I used to sleep early at round 9pm everynight in the not so distant past but then everything really changed since that day. And that includes my sleeping habit. Sigh..

Despite the fact that I really wanted to just lay down on my bed for the rest of the day. I manage to pull myself together. Took a bath. Fix myself and went off to church at 645 this morning. And as usual everything just goes on smoothly when I am at the feast. Tiredness just goes away. Sleepiness doesn't come to haunt me. Somehow I feel energized with the good news of the Lord. And the praise songs sang in the feast. Talagang mapapaindak ka sa kanta. Though the lyrics are posted infront through powerpoint presentation.. pero kahit di mo alam ung melody. You'll sing to the top of your lungs. But the thing I liked the most is how the song "Ama namin" is delivered at the feast. Lovely melody.. oh. lalo na pag may violin. Yeah. May nag vviolin dun sa church. Ang ganda pakingan.. heavenly as i could describe it.

Another thing. I saw her again. The one who got my attention. She was sitting an aisle away from where I was. I barely noticed her. I don't know how my eyes found her pero that was it. And all I could  do is look. For the eyes only. as they say..  Well.. atleast for now.. who knows maybe if she gets to sit beside me again  on the next sundays to come.. I might just open up a conversation. :p

To top it off. Something uhmm.. weird?? Unimaginable? I dunno know how to put this in words. Happened. I went online on ym  today without being invisible. Lyn messaged me. Shocked as I am. I still replied though.  We chatted as if nothing happened between us. As if I was a distant friend. And i'm glad i was able to control myself and be neutral too.. And I was succesful not to bring out anything of the past. Didn't asked questions. Just went with the flow. Though  it wasn't the normal conversation. She needed help about something. Somehow she knew I was good at that thing so she messaged me. I was courteous enough to answer her questions. I just hope I helped her even in just a small way..

It was a pretty good conversation even though I'd agree it was all about non-sense. I was the one who told her to contact me she needed anything.. pero somehow i just don't get it. I know it was over.. pero kahit papano nandun parin ung sakit na idinulot ng nakaraan. Di ko lang talaga alam kung pano nya nagagawa un. I guess it's easier  to live for those who made that decision to end a relationship compared to those who were still willing to fight for that love..

But then.. just take a good look at me now? Life is hard.. as it may seem.. pero it still goes on. And I found out that happiness comes from within. =)

Be happy. Enjoy life. Live your life to the fullest.

lovefull

Ran that long today after work. The last I involved myself with such physical activity was 2 years ago on a badminton game. Sad to say. I should have started running last year. I remember lyn invited me to run after work but didn't entertain the idea. I just don't know what i was thinking during those times. Well, maybe because somehow I am tired. Work and other stuffs. But now, I guess I know I should have said yes. Maybe... Just maybe.. things would have worked out just fine between us. And by that.. I'll always keep in mind.. what she always says.. "Kung gus2 may paraan.. kung ayaw may dahilan." I hated that line.. but then.. i can't hide the fact that it's true..

In addition, I may have been afraid to run or tire myself. I was never that athletic type of guy. Had asthma when i was a kid. Thank God the last attack was during elementary days. Pero knna had difficulty catching my breath.. so i had to slow down after 7 rounds. I must not force myself to exhaustion.

Now. I decided to run. Not because of her but because I have a bunch of other reasons to.. I need some exercise. I am maintaining my weight at 68 to 70 kgs tops! Next is I was practicing my sense of decision making ability that is if i still had one.. I admit I always had problems on making decisions. Yes. even the smallest things like where to eat out at lunch or dinner. Lyn can attest to that. So I decided to run. Last I need to sweat. I think I have some disorder sweating. I ran 7 laps without stopping but I'd say the sweat I produced barely made a cup. Compared to others who were sweating furiously.. I had problems letting sweat out of the body. It's either I'm dehydrated or me problema na pores ng katawan ko.

I'm running twice a week. Wednesdays after work and sunday mornings before church just to get the pace going. And did i mention. Tonight.. I'm not sleeping alone.. I'm sleeping with "body pain" beside me.. hahaha. A good day, I say. So Good night.

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As I opened up the topic regarding running on sundays a while ago. Ma'am donna said baket sunday? kasama si misis? People at the office refers to lyn as misis. But they don't have any idea that misis decided to settle for (divorce) separation. So I just said. Hindi po. Pero tumatakbo rin po siya dito. And I stopped there. I always envied ma'am donna, the way their relationship is doing was definitely (perfect) ideal.  Her husband met with her at the track kanina. The happy couple was running together. Seeing them. I know where I went wrong. and Somehow I wished I could be happy like them. Someday... i'll be.. so till that day comes... i need to grow and be a better man.

lovefull

I invited some officemates to attend the feast. Just to spread the good news and somehow share how great the feast has done to me. Just paying it forward as the movie says.

One of them asked me what motivates me to attend church and that inspirational talk. Adding more to that.. di bat parang ang layo naman kung dun ka pa magssimba? So how come you still attend such events?

I said. Hindi lang parang malayo.. malayo talaga pero I really don't mind. It's just like going to work. Just a little bit farther from the office. But the thing is this time I am working for God and the wellness of the spiritual aspect of my life. Tska, It's different there compared to the other mass/churches I've been to. The ambience is different. The words are indeed well chosen. And you just have to go and try to see the difference.

To answer the question about motivation.. well i could have said.. I had tough times. And my experiences and hurtings from the past motivates me to go to such events. But I didn't. Because that was not really the reason why. The thing is.. there has not been anything or anyone that motivates me to be there. It's just that I realized that I don't have to have a reason or don't need anything to motivate me for that matter to go to church every sunday.

Come to think of that, I answered the question. Well, Nothing motivates me. Ganun lang talaga. You'll always have a choice naman. But i believe that's the way it should be.  And it's the least i could do for all the blessings and grace He has given me.

-As I said those words. Thoughts came running in my mind.. I know I know. It should have been this way.. from the beginning till the end.. how i wish i knew somethings like these and other stuffs a bit earlier. I could have really made a difference. In my past life and for my future. But then  some things are better learned through experience. And I couldn't agree more.. Experience is indeed the best teacher.. afterall.

Not mourning. Not being sorrowful. Not even regretting the things i've done and those that i have failed to do. I am way past that point. It's just my foolish part of the brain still thinking of what could have been.. what might have been.. if we had tried.. again.. and again.. and again..........

lovefull

I wish I could ran away from all the troubles of my life..  I wish I could.. but it's not that easy. sigh..

So, I'm checking every aspect of my life. Current status? uhmm..

Spiritual - Double check.

Church every sundays. Self realizations. Inspirational words. Uplifting stories. Oh. Thanks so much for the blessings. God's grace is indeed more than enough. Thank you for the light into my path.

Mental - Check.

Every now and then I got to use my brain. Atleast I could pretty much use most of the things I've learned in college when it comes to work. Mostly math and electronic subjects I had during college days. Guess this is fine, exercise my brain cells rather than having to offer my brain for transplant. I wonder if anyone would buy it. Selling brain.. "slightly used."

Physical - Check.

Started with a change in lifestyle. Change in the foods I ate too. Now starting to exercise atleast twice a week. Jog/run plus some random sports stuffs to maintain my weight.

Emotional - Halfed check???

The truth is.. I am still in the process of moving forward. But i'd say I'm doing great. Though there are those times when you really miss those moments. Well, you really can't remove those things. It's part of the process. =)
Then the other thing.. just hit the play button. btw, don't mind the title. Haha. epic fail ung title XD

lovefull

Think about it. Haha.

Status check.. is it.. single or taken?

Single and ready to mingle.. or Taken.. for granted.

lovefull

Hangang saan aabot ang 20 pesos mo?

Tugs tugs tugs tugs tugs...

Sige sayaw.. igiling mo.. yan sige sayaw pa..