lovefull

Last december 2 was the night when the moon was at its fullest. We stared at that same moon in the past.. together. i remembered those early years at their old house. We used to bathe in the gleaming moonlight. Gave each other smiles, hugs and kisses. We even shared our dreams and what our future might hold for us. And even apart, i used to text her how the moon showed her radiant beauty from time to time. She goes out to their balcony and i usually go up the roof or the in the middle of the road to get a glimpse of that moon.. Thinking that though we may be apart.. we are bounded by one sky.. oh.. memories.

Tonight, would seem to be the end of everything. I just don't know. Maybe for her. But for me, this was just the beginning.. the beginning of a very long wait.. i don't mind waiting. I used to do that before i met her. But the thing is, though in words you could easily say forever, it wouldn't be that easy in real life.. trust me. your patience is gonna be tested for defects and other abnormalities.

Some people look for the perfect person to love but they don't realize that a person becomes perfect when we begin to love them sincerely. This was a good quote but "Regrets are felt when it's just too late." In short. wala paring tatalo sa all time favorite at nakatatak na sa noo ko na nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Ganun naman talaga lage. Wala naman nagsisisi sa umpisa haha. Just think before you act. What about for those slow thinkers like me.. sorry nalang. Kahit walang magagawa ang sorry mo.

Hey, i found this music mixtape thing in this blog. So i uploaded a song. How i wish i had the optimism written within those lines.. hear it out ♥.

Good night.

lovefull

Thinking out loud, Because of what happened, i have understood most of my mistakes.. What i did and what i failed to do. I've walked through that road less travelled. But does it really pay to be good? I'm not saying i'm a good person or such things alike. I've made mistakes. I've hurt others and have done bad acts. But really now? where does the boundary of good and evil lie. Some say it's a matter of perspective. The boundaries of good and evil are exactly where you set them. And these boundaries may be different in every person. So what does this have to do with me anyhow. A while ago, something just struck me. Why is that people who never really intended to hurt others, and are willing to change and amend the wrongs they've done gets less opportunities compared to those who are intentionally hurting others, has an inherent characteristic of envy  and doesn't seem to care less about anything or anyone around them. Why could life be unfair at times. Why?..

lovefull

Found something interesting.. This maybe old though and i don't know if it is really applicable at this moment. This were her rules back then.. This list may not pertain to me but somehow i could relate.

Rule #1.

Do not argue with her.

Sub rule.

She always win. Live with it.

Rule #2.

do not sit beside, sit across
be confident… not boastful… nor conceited
don’t like people na masmakulit sakin… never did (just thought i did), never will
know your place… keep your hands to yourself
it is not good and will never be good to make me wait.

I asked myself but still I haven't found the answer if i could be another fool.. or an exception to those rules.

lovefull

What if i acted sooner.. a day before could have made a great impact. what if none of these had happened. What if that day never really came. What if i could turn back the hands of time.. could i have made a difference..? So many what ifs in my life.. so many, questions.. yet the answers are so few..

Every relationship has its own ups and downs. There would always be arguements and misunderstandings. And i must admit, there were some problems i failed to solve in the past. Today i have found some ways to fix that problem and i am still hoping that it's not too late.

While i was browsing some old messages on my phone, something caught my attention. It was this conversation i had with her.. Everything seemed to be going well that day.. But then something came up the morning after, she wanted to talked about that something important. That was the day my world crumbled. I know i have not given her enough time/attention compared to those days when i was not working. She tried to fit in my world but i continued to live in one apart from her.. in short I really messed up. But i was wondering, there's something missing. Like a trigger for a gun to fire or a catalyst in a chemical reaction. Something must have happened that night before to made her realize such things and make her decision the day after. That was the thing that caught my attention.. I don't know if this was the thing i was looking for, but this kept me thinking. The night before, she watched a movie.The title of the movie was "500 days of summer". While waiting for her to arrive home, I even asked her how was it. But she replied not that good. I've read some introduction/plot synopsis or whatever about the movie beforehand. It was not a love story. But a story about love. Hell, i should've known. I've watch the movie recently. Some may say the movie was cheesy but to hell with those cheesyness. The only thing that hit me were summer's answer when the guy asked her what happened.

I don't know if she felt the same way about us. I really can't imagine that she just woke up one day and she knew..........

Right now, i am keeping some distance.. both talking to her and seeing her. I stopped acting like i was a stalker (that was what the she-devil told me). I'm not giving up on us. I'll just take some time to fix myself.. because only time understands how valuable love is.

lovefull

Need to list down some things.. before they fade away from my mind.

1. Thank her personally. Give her the gift that was long been ordered. 

(the effing xmas gift i bought her takes too long to be delivered. grrr.. )

2. Clean my room. Arrange and keep important stuffs. Throw away unnecessary belongings.

3. Do exercise routines. Enough of the Diet. It makes me weary. 

(lost 8lbs already, gotta keep up the pace and time to sculp some body.)

4. Tell mom and dad i wont be coming home for christmas..

lovefull

I never got to thank her personally. but i did say what i had to say last night. And our conversation for that night was very nostalgic. I finish the deed with a letter. And the gift. of course.

It seems that the storm has calm down a bit. But then, the damage it caused was too great. Much like catastrophic. Well to think that the storm has calm down and will end soon. The aftermath was inevitable. I really don't know if every i've heared / read is true. Someone's probably dating her i just don't know who. Ahhhhhhhhh. Like i care? hell yeah. Of course i care. Who wouldn't? i guess those who don't felt love wouldn't care. I want to know more.. but then i have no right. No right to ask her how she feels. I don't know why i'm feeling this way. I said to her i'll fix myself. That i'd be back to ask for her love again. I am not saying that she should wait for me. I told her to be happy even if that means losing my love to someone better. But what the hell is happening to me right now. The pain is unbearable. As if it feels like i am going to die.

Speaking about death. I don't know if there would be such thing as cheating death. Today was the 2nd time it happened. The first one was last month, evening of november 2.. was going home after a long wait. tired and was sleepy. I was riding in the back of the tricycle and there were guys running on the streets. I thought must have been pranks till there was gunshots. They were shooting and the tricycle was passing through. Talk about luck. I never told her about what happened, and never told her how much i loved her..  And now just hours ago another near death experience comes along. Imagine yourself riding in an fx. infront with the driver. the fx moving at 90 to 100kph along commonwealth. Then suddenly a car 2 lanes from your left suddenly takes a hard right and cuts through other lanes just to fill some gas on that nearby gas station. What is wrong with drivers lately. He should've kept right. Most of the passengers were shouting. But at the moment i was silent. I probably just skipped a heart beat then it all went down smoothly. As if i just accepted what's going to happen. I don't know if i'm just lucky or the fx driver has good reflexes to be able to step on the brakes before everything went boom. Today i'm just thankful. I said i love you. to her.. out of the blue. I really don't know when my time will be up.. Everything might seem to be all too late when that happens.

lovefull

So this is how it feels. To miss someone more than you could ever imagine. Yeah.

I miss her. I miss her smile. Her touch. Her kiss.

I miss the way she cares for me.

I miss touching her hair.

I miss standing at the mrt station waiting for her..

I miss those little conversations we had at lunch.

I miss how she usually says b-( when i did something wrong.

I miss cooking lunch or dinner for her during weekends.. and breakfast too.. during weekdays..

I miss her chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.

I miss her stories.

I miss my love so much..

lovefull

No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will.
The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.

The qoute says it all. I really don't have the strength to explain..

saw something i shouldn't have..

cry with me? will you? if you can..

lovefull

For the past years or so, I usually spend most of my weekends seeing her, my love. But since that incident.. I rarely saw her. Then a week after that day, i decided to see someone else. Yes, i was seeing someone other than my love. She who lights up my world everyday. She who shares her undying warmth. And She who hides her beauty before dusk. Yes, she is the sun. And I've been seeing her for quite a while now. But I didn't get to see her today. The sky was dark and cloudy. But part of her shone brightly through the clouds. As if waving goodbye.. Lucky it didn't rain, though i wished it did..

I don't know what manila bay has compared to other bodies of water. Must be the view. There were too many people with their fishing poles walking around the area. I dunno why most of them kept coming back.. there was this particular fisherman in my spot. He sets up his fishing pole, throws his line and reels it back. I know they're fishing but somehow i couldn't help but think what is it with him that he keeps doing the same thing. For 2 and a half hours, he just stood there patiently.. doing the same thing over and over again and changing lures once in the while. And still after hours without catching anything, he goes back to this place maybe a week after just to do the same thing again. Well, if there's one thing i learned from him. It's to have that determination to do what we love the most.. For him, it's fishing without expecting any catch.. and for me? well.. i'll just say.. I know who i can't live without.

For 6 weeks now, the bay has been my sanctuary for quite a while. I don't mind the journey to get there. Fairview to manila bay is indeed kind of far but in the end. It's all worth it..

I've seen different people there.. from different walks of life. Of course the fishermen.. and there were the needy, the ones who always asks for alms, children and adults alike.. The strugglers, i named them that since they were people who struggles to live and makes a honest living in the area. They are the vendors, (selling corns,chicharons,peanuts,sitsirya,plantlike ornaments made from plastic bottles of sprite,ice cream,bottled water and other stuff) and the masseuse/masseur in the area offering massages not mention home service. There were also the priviledged ones. Mostly foreigners walking and talking pictures of the view. Too many people from too many different walks of life. This place is indeed a sanctuary. Not only for me.. but for others as well.

Btw, while i was crossing the roxas blvd towards the church.. i saw a couple. should i say they were newlyweds. In their bridal attires.. with photographers taking pictures of them crossing the street, enjoying the area. Strolling around, posing and other stuffs. It was good for my eyes. Them happy and everything. too bad it was cloudy, but then... they don't care.. they're happy.

Somehow, i should have brought my love to this place when i had the chance. I really wanted to. I know she'll love the place. Maybe someday... maybe tomorrow.

And i'd end this entry with something i got from her fb which i think is very true.. and a picture i drew when i was in my sanctuary a while ago.

Sunsets are most beautiful when you watch them with someone you love. and yet they are the saddest scenery created by God when you watch it alone.

An ideal sunset.

lovefull

Naguguluhan na ako. Damn me. Nahahati ngyon ako sa dalawa.

Ung una. gus2 na sabihin lahat. dahil tingin ko may karapatan syang malaman un kahit wala na kame. Wlang pake alam to kung anu man maaisip nya pag nalaman nya kung anu ba talaga ung di ko masabi sabi..

Ung pangalawa. naniniwalang d ko dapat sabihin. d pede dahil may mga bagay na di basta bastang nasasabi sa email o tx. dapat personal itong sabihin or else mwawala ung essence nung mga salitang sasabihin. may mga salitang pag nabitawan mo na e napakalaki ng magaganap na pagbabago sa pagsasama nyo. At itong mga salitang ito ay minsan mo lang masasabi sa tanang buhay ng pagsasama nyo. marahil pede mo siguro ulit eto bangitin pero napakalaki parin ng epekto nung unang beses mo itong sinabi sa kanya. at d ko rin alam kung anu ang magiging reaksyon o sagot nya pag sinabi ko un. takot ko nalang din.

Sa ngyon nandun ako sa pangalawa pumapanig. naguguluhan ako at Ang alam ko lang.. e2...

- I was looking so much towards the future that i may have neglected the present.

- wala na kame. at d ko alam kung anu pa mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw. umaasa parin na magbbago ang lahat.

- natatakot ako na mawala sya ng lubusan, na sana may magawa akong tama sa hinaharap para makabalik ako sa kanyang piling.

- malaki ang pagkukulang ko sa kanya. at mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya.

lovefull

Maybe i should stop saying things about us.

Lay off. Be patient. Calm down. Rest. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

Clear your mind. Just let your heart beat. Don't forget to breathe.

lovefull

Everybody's just trying not to be lonely...

If you're going to make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears.

Someone should sue Disney for planting the ideas in little kids heads
that every girl has a prince and everything ends up happily ever after.

lovefull

masakit saktan ang minamahal mo lalo na kung di mo sinasadya..

gustuhin mo mang ituwid ang lahat ng pagkakamali mo...

tska mo lang malalaman.. na huli na pala...

naitama na ng iba...

lovefull

Supposedly parallel universes are created when a choice is made.

Then there are multiple universe considering the fact that choices are made pretty more often than not.

Now. I wish i had that door to "that" universe where i made the right choices. Most probably not all the right choices, but choices that mattered and those that made such great impact to my life.

Pretty much like time travel wouldn't you think. But somehow different.

This must be the effect of watching the Fringe Series.

Grr. The loneliness is killing me.

Need to snap out of it.

lovefull

Shining upon the path I must take.

Even through the bleakest of days.

Please, someone tell me..

Does everyone think that way?

Do they think it's fine to be happy

Even if it's just for today?

I thought the same when i was young,

When I had dreams to chase after.

But that's a distant memory.

The passing days don't offer any answers.

Time just flows on.

I don't know what will happen from now on.

lovefull

Got 4 days left till the end of the year. 4 days left to mourn? 4 days to think about the good, the bad and the dead. 4 days to express myself. 4 days to rant about all the sad things that happened. 4 days to learn how to live life to the fullest. 4 days to learn how to make the most out of everything. 4 days left to stop the hurting or is it till the hurting stops..

Right now i really don't know how i feel. I did tell her something about my plan. It wasn't sweet. It was sincere. And it was the truth yet she finds it weird. Can't blame myself? It is me who's to blame for for everything. It's always been me. The arguements, the problems, and ofcourse the break up. My fault my bad and all but wasn't my decision. And with all this blaming myself thing happening, something tells me there is always another side of the story. Like it always takes two to tango, you probably know what i mean by that. I don't want to think of it this way but somehow i'm trying to move on.. Forgive me of thinking bad things about us. About why you left me and others. Must be the bitterness coming around. Now i know how that someone felt---....  And i know i felt this way before.. kinda like dejavu but worse.. As much I would want to express myself here.. I rather write it down privately. In order not to offend her if ever she'd be reading this. Still there are things that are not fully understandable..

What do you call yourself when you love someone and your not asking for any love in return? Maybe you'd think that it's what they call true love.. or better yet.. unconditional love. That's what i thought in the past.. HaHa! Fool. You call yourself a fool when you love someone and you don't ask for something in return. Dati naramdaman ko na yan. Pero ngayon di ko alam kung bakit nahihirapan akong tangapin ang aking kapalaran na kelangan bumalik ako sa pagiging ganyan.. e dati naman ganyan na ko.

Even with all this hurting. Still, i keep my word. No regrets. No doubts.

lovefull

Oh, I'm back. With a headache. Slept at quarter to 5 this morning and woke up at 10. Talk about one hell of a day. Oh. Sorry. Pls. bear with me. It's me ranting again. Still got 4 days right? haha.

It's the 3rd time i've dreamt about her. And it was usually the weekends. It was nostalgic. Everything was doing great but i woke up. People say dreams have meaning and usually it is the opposite when it comes to the real world. But i don't believe in such things. Everytime i've dreamt about her.. there is that feeling that I wanted to text her, saying i'm awake.. i'll be taking a bath and i'm off to your place. But then after a while, i realize there's really no more place to go to every weekend. Nobody to see.. Nobody to cuddle with.. Just nobody.

Was it a good decision to tell her about the idea/plan. Thank you would have suffice but having that weird feeling as if ________ me and my feeling for her really burned me down to the ground. I really don't know what she's feeling. I'm not a good guesser and definitely not a mind reader. I don't have the right to ask her how she feels. but I'm having two insights about her.. I know she's doing great at this moment. Better than me i hope. With all the smiles, and laughter around her. I'm thinking there is someone hiding beneath that mask of happiness. Someone who's hiding her true emotions. Someone who's hurting, same as me or probably much more. Someone afraid to express her feelings. Acting like it doesn't hurt when it really does. The other part. I thinking that someone is happy without me in her life. Someone who lost that feeling a long time ago when i thought everything was going great. Someone who's not afraid to express that everything is over.. even if it means hurting me.. and someone who'd never fall for me again.. for reasons so hard for me to write down here..

So.. which is which? and who's who?

lovefull

Well how about it. The third post for the day. I guess i'm just making the most out of this weekend. I'm tired and will be off to sleep in a while. Have work tomorrow. My work is good. But my boss sux. haha. I'll talk about it some other time.

Love is unconditional. Relationships are not. I don't know where I got that but the line has a point. Relationship should have been based on trust, practicality and understanding. I'm not saying we didn't have those. We did but somehow.. there's something lacking from the equation. I don't know what i missed but regardless I think i shouldn't have based our relationship on something like happiness. Cause you'll never know when that happiness just might fade away.. There is no measure for happiness.. and i think what i heard from some tv series is kinda true in such a way. "People can't  really be happy.. unless they are contented/satisfied with what they have."

I've just read something on "spanish_sardines" blog about the one the got away.. (see links) well the article is good to read. It was nice. Just what i needed..

Understanding Reality Takes Patience.. Those were the lines I told her when we were together. Up till now, she's still using the catchy phrase.. Somehow that line just gives me something to hope for.. something to look up to in the future. Even though I am now a mere speck in her vivid and colorful life.

In order to survive, we cling to all we know and understand.
And we label it reality.
But knowledge and understanding are ambiguous.
That reality could be an illusion.
All humans live with the wrong assumptions.
Isn't that another way of looking at it?

Good night.

lovefull

I'm sick. As usual. I think that's what she's gonna say if she's still around for me. I Have that chill the moment i woke up this morning. Runny nose. Migraine. Damn sinusitis hitting on me again. Currently feeling the slight fever.  Having a hard time to breathe and my throat itches like crazy. Took 2 sinutabs for the day and 1 bioflu a while ago. Need to take a rest.

I still got so much to write but only got 3 days left to write about it.. I'm not in the mood to rant..  I'll write about it when I'm feeling better. If i could remember everything what i wanted to say.

But at this moment. I just miss her. I miss my baby. I wish she's still by my side. To care for me and comfort me during these times.. oh how i wish..

lovefull

Just got home from a mini reunion composed of old college friends. Particularly those who belonged to the iregular sections. Was quite feeling feverish but i think the beer flushed it away. Had 3 SMB lights tonight. Wanted something hard or stronger but i choose to lay it down a bit. This is not the 1st time i drank alcohol again after 3++ years. The 1st was on dec 18, details of the story wont matter anyway so i rather not write about it. It's nice to see some familiar faces once in a while. Talked about college memories and what's the latest about our current lives. A little tease here and there about the past and the present.. Add a couple of funny and cheesy picklines and everything ends up with laughter. Had a great night. Thanks to all who attended. Sure did miss this kind of events in my life. No particular point intended on the last sentence.. night.

lovefull

I got less than a day left. I'm not sure how this would end. But I'm certain she's not coming back. And if she ever changed her mind then it would be something like a hell of a miracle. Excuse me about the words, it's just that i'm trying miserably to forget her.. i really would like to bare it all here. All those emotions deep down inside me..  I'm trying but something inside me is eating me alive.  Argh. Life really is unfair. I'd say often times.

You told me not to love you.. that you're not coming back anymore.. I just don't get it. It's not that easy for me to fall in and out of love and yet you make it look so simple. Much like a snap of a finger and everything's out of place. We loved each other. We held on to each other for 3+ years. We had problems and misunderstandings. and there were times i could have let go.. but i never did. I love you. And i wanted to be with you forever.. There were times when you wanted to end our relationship but somehow I manage to do the right things and we still had each other. But the last time.. I don't understand.. I don't want to think that what we had was doomed the moment you 1st brought up the letting go topic. Now i can't remember anymore why you fell for me in the first place. And after all that we've been through you'd probably say i don't have the characteristics you want your lifetime partner to have. I wish i had a disclaimer sign on my head the moment you fell in love with me. Something like. Disclaimer: This guy is boring often times. An insensitive one. And other stuffs that you would really want to know about me. So that you'd have the slightest idea what you were getting in to. I really wish i had that one.. but there's something better than that.. and that is.... i wish we still have each other.

lovefull

Ang trahedya ng buhay ko? hindi ako nagkaroon ng kapangyarihang makapagsabi ng tamang bagay sa tamang tao sa tamang panahon.

Siguro nga. Marahil Nga. Tama nga. Talaga nga ba masasabi mong trahedya ang ganung mga bagay. Alam ko may kasalanan o kamalian din ako para mangyari sa buhay ko ang mga ganitong di inaasahan. Pero kahit anu pa man daw ang mangyayari. Lahat ng ito ay lilipas din.

Para sayo...

Noong araw na yun. Nagpaumanhin ako dahil sa aking nasabi ng gabi. Hindi ko pala dapat sinabi.. Alam ko may karapatan kang malaman yun at d ko rin mapaipagkakaila na umaasa ako na magbago ang isip mo pero wala na rin pala. Nakapagdesisyon ka na talaga. Nagpaalam ako. Sabi mo hindi kailangan mag paalam.. at di mo naman ako buburahin sa buhay mo. Nakakatuwa isipin. Naisip mo pa talaga ung salitang buburahin. E noong nakaraang lingo bago tayo mag usap yun na ang naiisip ko at naitatanong sa sarili ko na ganun ka ba talaga kabilis magbura ng tao sa buhay mo? Sabi mo nga d mo ko buburahin. Eto naman ako. Ang tapang. Sabi ko hindi mo naman kaya e. Pero bakit ngayon..

The fact that you're ignoring me is much like the same as erasing me from existence. You're probably happy with him.. your *jacob*. Hey, I don't know what will happen in the next episodes of our lives but i have the slighest idea of how it's going to be. I was never a fan of the twilight series. I don't like male vampires but i do like female ones.(like Selene in Underworld). And i do love bats. And even though i don't dazzle you the way edward does with bella.. the fact still remains that I love you. Hey, I'm no *edward* when it comes to love.. but still i want to be the leading man of your life.

lovefull

Sue me! I am a fool.. afterall.

This would be my last post for the year. I haven't made a list of what to do and what not to do for the coming year.. And i'm thinking.. I should probably make something like a list of rules to follow. I'll try.

As for my love..

I want to thank you for being there for me.. for loving me for who i am.. for accepting my faults.. alam ko madalas you scold me for not paying attention pag may sinasabi ka.. pero you know what? I'm still very grateful that you always share and talk to me when it comes to those really really important things. Alam mo before you came, I used to think that I didn't have to be sensitive. Knowing you made me realize na mali ako about that. Baby, you make me want to be the best that i could possibly be at everything. I want you to know that no matter what, i will always love you. Tandaan mo lagi un.. You're worth it kahit ano pang paghihirap ang pagdaanan natin. I love you. "no matter what." I will miss those times when i made you feel warm and fuzzy inside.. and I am still hoping i could make you feel that same feeling again. I never felt any regrets even if i'm hurting right now.. I don't know how long this would last.. maybe forever.. maybe not..  who knows.. but until that day.. I'll be cherishing everything we had. Should it be good or bad.. still memories of us will never be far from my heart. Thank you lyn.

Love means trusting myself with someone
who has seen me at my worst
and loves me anyway
It means feeling safe enough
to talk about anything
and having the patience
to work out disagreements.
Love means so many things..
Because, to me, Love is you...

Because you are my love,
I know the joy
that comes from
feeling closer to someone
than I've ever felt before.
Because you are my love,
I know the passion
of wanting to share
everything I have,
everything I am with you
and only you.