lovefull

Don't need much of an introduction. Finally after days of searching through google. Found my so called blog back. I changed its username not so long ago. Did remember its password though but forgot after my first log in after 3++ years of silence. Lucky i remember to change its email add. And change its username back to its original name. Now i'm back.

Why does she always have to stop everything. When everythings just going out according to plan. Something always comes up. I know she loves surprises. But i always end up telling her what's gonna happen. This time it was different. I hate it when things like this happen. The thing i was gonna do and say..  "psst.. kalabit.. oo.. alam mo na un".. i think i don't need to explain further. I failed.

Still after years of waiting. The question lies. To love or not to love? Yes, i knew the answer and  I made my decision years ago. And i still believe in that decision. But so much have happened lately. Can't blame anyone but myself. I'm still holding on to whats left of me. On nov. 1 a part of me died... Im hoping most of the bad part died with me that day. And today,  I am barely breathing. Not much to do but to stay alive and make the most out of what i have left until that day when she'd be willing to take me back into her arms. I'm not having any high hopes, im just making myself a better person compared to that of what i was in the past.

Yesterday i tried yet again, but i failed. I don't know why i am insisting. maybe its the agony of being alone again. I tried to prove myself to her. With only words, i tried to win the battle. But to no avail, her decision stands still. I waited for 5 hours that day, wondering of what to do next. Thought of silly things, looked below at an unimaginable height. Thinking of what can i still do to make her change her mind/heart.. Then i decided to give her the ring. It was my present to her but she gave it back last nov. 1. I gave her  the ring. And have spoken no words. I would have said something, and Desperate that i may have been, it all changed when i saw through her eyes. I knew that look from before. First time to have seen it from her, and 2nd time in my lifetime. That piercing eyes running through me like a hot knife through butter. Now i remembered, that was what i was fearing for the whole time. I knew that look. That look gave her an unbreakable aura. As far as i could remember, the first to give me that look was saved by another guy, a close friend, who later became her boyfriend. But this time its different. The latter, was the one who loved me,. who gave me everything i needed.. who made me realize that i'm still worth it even through difficult times. And Yes, I had her, and i wish i could have been less insensitive. AAAAAAAAAAAAhhhh... how i wish i could save her from myself.

I don't know if she could be reading this. Or if she still remembers this site. But still, i want to say i'm still keeping my promise. The promise i gave to you even before you said i love you. I may have broken, most of my promises. But i'm keeping this one. And sorry if you heard about me from one of your close friends. I knew you don't want her be involved in anyway but she talked to me. Sorry if i may have said something..